Proverbs 17:17
A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.
Proverbs 18:24
One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Listening guide
Proverbs 17:17 “17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity”
Proverbs 18:24” One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother”
“Friendship is … the least instinctive, organic, biological … and necessary.”
“America has never felt more isolated and more lonely than it does today. In fact there are three times as many people today as in 1985 who would categorize themselves as desperately lonely.” (General Social Survey)
We _____________ our friends so ___________________ is totally _______________.
Proverbs 14:20 The poor are shunned even by their neighbors, but the rich have many friends.
Proverbs 17:9 Whoever would foster love covers over an offense, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.
Proverbs 19:6 Many curry favor with a ruler, and everyone is the friend of one who gives gifts.
Proverbs 27:9 Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice.
“everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.” John 15:15
Friendships must share a ____________________ ___________.
Not _____________________, not ______________________, not _______ ________________, maybe _________________.
“Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” John 15:13
Great friendships form from the gospel.
Sermon
We’ve gotten so much out of Proverbs so far for “The Good Life”. I’m not going to run through all the things we’ve been learning. You can look at the wall outside there if you want. Or you can look in your own devotional book because I’m sure like me you’re adding that wisdom there.
We've been taking to heart this basic principle: wisdom is what you have for the 80% of times in life where there are no rules.
I mean, we are living in a pandemic. There are basic rules. You should not murder. You shall love your neighbor. That certainly doesn’t tell you if you should hug your grandkids. A friend just said to me we should go out and play some games with this guy.
I feel hardly worthy to give you God’s message on today’s verses. Friendship is hard for me. Pastors are a weird bunch. We’re unique.
For whatever reason, sometimes people like you and sometimes they don’t. I do have some good friends. I’m constantly practicing and applying these things with them.
Promise that we would be better friends
I suspect a lot of you would basically agree and say, look how much can there be to say about this? We agree that friendship is important. Our culture values friendship. We produce a TV show called “Friends”! Who else can say that! Plus we’ve got Cheers, Big Bang Theory and on down the line. How much more could the Bible have for us?
I could try to make you feel like you’re missing something by pointing out the number of friends you do or don’t have.
That misses it, because God wants us to see just how unique a relationship friendship really is. It’s uniqueness. If you see how unique friendship is, you will want more friends. You will work to make more friends, no matter what.
Proverbs 17:17 “17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity”
Proverbs 18:24” One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother”
You see how there is a contrast here between friendship and bother? There is a contrast between friendship and family.
Friendship is a totally different kind of relationship. Family relationships mostly blood. Romantic relationships built on lust, desire. Coworker and other business relationships which are entirely duties and obligations. Last, civic relationships, like neighbors and community built on this social contract.
Friendships are totally different. CS Lewis said about “Friendship is … the least instinctive, organic, biological … and necessary.”
You wouldn’t be here without romantic love. You wouldn’t grow up, be raised without family love. You wouldn’t get through your days without the kind of general affection and warmth that is part of civil love. You wouldn’t survive all the wrongdoing and evil of life without sacrificial love.
We could at least naturally, organically survive every day of our lives without friendship. If you’ve discovered friendship, you have something that is really unique.
You might be saying, pastor, I don’t think I could survive without my friends. I’ve got great friends. I love them. They love me. We mean everything to each other.
First, you’ve got to watch out that you’re not confused. When I think carefully about my friendship, I realize that often – not all the time but often – it's a messed up mix of romantic love and desire, combined with sacrificial love, and some general affection for the friends of the person I really like.
Secondly, and more important, if you’ve got great friends, good for you. Awesome. That is really unique.
General Social Survey from 2018 of 20,000 plus people reported this. “America has never felt more isolated and more lonely than it does today. In fact there are three times as many people today as in 1985 who would categorize themselves as desperately lonely.”
Do you know what the most common response to how many confidants do you have in your life is? 0. I have no one in my life that I can really be close to, that I can really be transparent and open with.
Fully 1/3 of American households now have only one person living in them. 1 out of 3.
If we’ve got good relationships that are biologically or sociologically unnecessary, that’s amazing. That’s incredible.
The word sticks (“… there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother”) is a Hebrew word that’s often translated in the Old Testament cleave. It means commitment out of a passionate love. A friend is better, in many ways, than a sibling.
When you have a friend, you’ve chosen them. You don’t have to be with them. You pick them.
I know this is kind of scary to say, there are a lot of great thinkers who would say, our generation, our time, we don’t have much real friendships. We don’t have great friendships. C.S. Lewis one time listed all these great friendships “David and Jonathan, Orestes and Pylades, Roland and Oliver, Amis and Amiles. Then he goes on to say he can’t think of any friendships like those celebrated today.
Like Lewis said, one of the best examples of true friendship comes from the Bible. David and Jonathan
…. That relationship was not biologically necessary and it was actually unhelpful.
We choose our friends so friendship is totally unique.
I think about how I’m doing at this. I’ve got a friendship that I’ve been sort of trying to cultivate over the last 3 years. (JS)
I’m not that great. I’m not in this case succeeding at building this friendship. I am not choosing and picking to be with that person.
I don’t think we realize how blind we are on this. Good kids grow up in good families.
WK – “take care of your family”. That’s their choice.
We’re missing then a relationship that isn’t necessary in any way.
This is what Jesus did. John 15:15 I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.
Jesus uses a lot of different pictures to describe the relationship we have with him. Servants, slaves, children. But one he says is, “I’m driven to make you friends. To make you my friend.”
We’ve got to realize what Jesus is saying here. The power and the weight of this. It’s easy to think of Jesus becoming friends with us goes like this. We think we should imagine it like this. I think of when I was touring a church in Yinchuan China about 10 years ago. It just so happened that some other Chinese people a few years older than us were there, with a kid just our age.
It’s not like that. It’s not like that at all. What that says is that there was something in you, there was some social need or some biological need for you to have a relationship with someone and someone to have a relationship with you.
What Jesus does, he wants a friendship for something else.
This is what makes friendships work. Proverbs says it like this:
Proverbs 14:20 The poor are shunned even by their neighbors, but the rich have many friends.
Proverbs 17:9 Whoever would foster love covers over an offense, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.
Proverbs 19:6 Many curry favor with a ruler, and everyone is the friend of one who gives gifts.
Proverbs 27:9 Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice.
Friends always connect over something else.
Jesus says, “everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.”
A common interest, a common experience, a common bond that connects you. CS Lewis said, “What, you too? I thought I was the only one.”
Friendships must share a common bond.
This tells us why friendships are so hard, why we’re so bad at them, and it shows us how to fix them. Look at all these things.
Let’s talk about them for a second. Take a look at each of these statements.
Proverbs is saying, you’ve got to have something in common for a friendship. It’s also saying if it is any of these things, your friendship won’t work.
Proverbs 14:20 The poor are shunned even by their neighbors, but the rich have many friends.
Not money
Proverbs 17:9 Whoever would foster love covers over an offense, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.
Not gossip
Proverbs 19:6 Many curry favor with a ruler, and everyone is the friend of one who gives gifts
Not gift giving
Proverbs 27:9 Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice.
Maybe advice
This is why Jesus says, all these things could bond you together. look, the one thing that will bind us is what I make known to you. I’m telling you, you are more lost and sinful and corrupt than you know or imagine, but in me you are also more forgiven and accepted and welcomed. Not good advice or nice thoughts.
That’s the gospel!
The gospel is the best thing that makes friendship. I’m not saying it’s the only thing. Far and away. There are lots of other great things for friendship. But Jesus I think for good reason, we could walk on water together and be friends, but we won’t. We could eat miracle food together – okay, we did that. We could drink together. We did that. We could play games together. Nope. We could go to concerts together. Nope. We could go to church together. Did that! But the best thing,
The gospel.
Why?
Look at this. Have you ever seen this spot in the Bible where it says that Herod and Pontius Pilate became friends the day they made Jesus stand trial?
I think about this. Why is one of my best friends a Chinese man? Why do I have a great close friendship with a man 30 years my senior? Why was a Native American lady a great friend for 5 years? Why was a senior black man a good friend for 5 years?
Why is all this? Jesus says, 13 Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.
The great preacher Charles Spurgeon once said something like “Jesus Christ looked down from the cross and saw all the people denying him and betraying him and forsaking him and mocking him and rejecting him and in the greatest act of friendship in the history of the world, he stayed.” (Charles Spurgeon, source?)
The cross is the only place where people of every ethnicity, every class, every political persuasion can
Craziest stories of this – Marcus Borg and NT Wright
Marcus says, “Do you think God can forgive sins only because of Jesus’ sacrifice” - No
NT Wright says “The messiah (Jesus) died for our sins according to the scriptures”
“this book has grown out of a friendship” … “We offer the result to the reader as the celebration of shared friendship”
I’m not saying this is perfect. You can look at this and say, well, sure, of course Jesus can make friendships like this because it doesn’t matter. Religion isn’t real. Religion isn’t important. But how can that be? Look at all the religious wars. Look at all the I don’t think you can say that. You could also say...
The gospel is one thing that anyone can share in common.
Great friendships form from the gospel.
Action
Let’s do this.
One of the biggest challenges with Christianity is that people will lose relationships – friends, family. And to some extent, it’s true. One of the hardest things for a me as a pastor, is that over the years I have perhaps lost more people than I have gained. That’s hard. Makes me sad.
Great friendships form from gospel.